Category: General

Nothing to report today.

I am having difficulty organizing a cohesive list of what my goals are. I remember two quips about goals. One was, “You’ve got to name it to claim it.” And the other was, “You’ve got to pursue your dreams because your dreams cannot pursue you.”

As a newly minted 53 year old, I attest that I have always had difficulty sticking with a plan, let alone having any methodology to achieve any goals I have set for myself.

My primary goal needs to be my health. I’ve always been obese and I’ve been diabetic for the past 15 years, which I have failed to manage properly. To begin my fitness journey I will walk four miles today. My fiancé, Daniel, and I weighed ourselves and took each other’s measurements on August 7th. These will be our baseline for tracking our health improvements in the following months. I will schedule an appointment with an diabetic specialist and work with them to get the medications needed to manage my blood sugar levels.

So that is goal number 1. Next will be to apply S.M.A.R.T. goals to aid in my success in achieving this goal, or rather, creating new habits that will foster a healthier lifestyle.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

William Butler Yeats “When You Are Old”

I spent the Fourth of July on the Rez with my family. My mother’s family has a long history with this land; my great-great-great-great-great grandfather was a trapper and in 1814 married a Native woman named La Petite Okanogan and my family’s been here ever since.

French, Irish and Native American traditions run deep in my family, and I have a strong bond with this part of my heritage.

One thing I realize is that people may come and go in your life, but family is always there, no matter what. I am so grateful to still have both my folks in my life and I’m grateful to have all of my family that have been there for me all this time.

Shake hands, we shall never be friends, all’s over;
I only vex you the more I try.
All’s wrong that ever I’ve done or said,
And nought to help it in this dull head:
Shake hands, here’s luck, good-bye.

But if you come to a road where danger
Or guilt or anguish or shame’s to share,
Be good to the lad that loves you true
And the soul that was born to die for you,
And whistle and I’ll be there.

A. E. Housman 

I think the days are winding down of seeing my therapist. We’ve been having our weekly sessions now going on almost three months and I’m finding that I have less and less to talk about. Take today for instance, I was done talking only a half-hour into our session.

Having a therapist was the best thing I could have done. In the beginning I was broken and feeling helpless. Today, I am in a great place and very happy. I found that moving beyond a bad relationship is pretty straight-forward; it’s finding and reconnecting with oneself and creating strategies that make sure you don’t make the same mistakes again that takes time.

On top of that, Seattle Pride weekend was a revelation. I had so much fun and met so many great guys – guys that wanted to hang out and get to know me. I’m not interested in dating – although I’m in a good place, my heart is still broken. But I’m definitely ready to make some more great friends. And there’s one fellow in particular, that I think, sometime down the road, might be someone I’d like to spend a lot more time with, but I’m enjoying what life is offering at the moment.

Spending the weekend here in Seattle has reminded me just how much I’ve missed this place. It’s loud, dirty, there’s a lot of homeless people, and it’s outrageously expensive to live here. That being said, I think I’m going to move back. 50 Is staring me down – 43 days and counting. I’m single, my house will be on the market sometime shortly, and I have nothing tying me down. It’s time for a new adventure.

My earliest memories are of my folks taking me to the Pike Place Market. Back in the ’90s it was a weekly tradition. Mom, Dad and I would come down Saturday mornings and go to a restaurant called Saigon Over the Counter. It’s gone now, but I think we had eaten there well over 200 times over the course of 20 years.

I got up at dawn again this morning. I like the Starbucks Reserve right down the street, but felt like taking a walk, and sure enough, I found myself right back at my favorite Seattle attraction, the Pike Place Market.

Walking around the Market early in the morning is so relaxing. There’s no crowds, but there’s still a buzz of anticipation. I walked back up to First Hill via Pike and stopped at Westlake Center where things are getting set up for today’s Pride parade, and there were already lots of people grabbing their spots. I think we’ll meander down there in a couple of hours before heading up to the Hill for the Cuff Block Party. Life is pretty good. 😉

I would be lying if I said the last couple of months haven’t been difficult. I’ve had to step outside of my comfort zone and place myself in situations I would normally shy away from; mainly, socializing. To most people I come across as an extrovert, but I’m really just the opposite. Stating that, I am in a much happier place today than I’ve been in years. I’m reconnecting with myself, taking the time to be selfish and focus on my needs first, without compromise, and putting myself first. I haven’t done that in a VERY long time.

My dear friend, Leo, whose history with his own marriage has many similarities to mine, has been one of my greatest supporters. He was the one I called in the middle of the night when I felt hopeless, and he was also there to help me forge my new path. That’s not to say I haven’t had a lot of friends step up to the plate and be there for me – too many to name, but they know how much their support has meant to me. I rounded that bend in my life, and I’m finding real happiness again.

This has been the first time I’ve celebrated Pride weekend in 17 years. Pride for me isn’t about being a gay man; it’s about being a 13-year old boy growing up in Winthrop, Washington, knowing he was gay and being terrified his parents would find out, or that his social peers would find out. I had the good fortune of moving to Seattle when I was 14, but even in a larger school in a metropolitan area, I was always so guarded about my true self, and it wasn’t until I was 18 that I finally told my girlfriend at the time that I was gay.

Fast forward 31 years and I was able to spend today being proud of who I am, what I have to offer, and accepting of the fact that I am good enough. HAPPY PRIDE!

Day one in Seattle. I left Leo sleeping and got up at 6:30 AM and walked down the block to Starbucks Reserve on Pine & Minor.

This is fast becoming one of my favorite haunts and it’s a good place to people watch. I got here right before the mad rush at 8:00 AM and hung out for about an hour. My friend Mark came down and joined me for a bit.